Sadness

22.01.2005Osebno

It is actually an absurd kind of sadness, since the sun and blue sky is screaming outside and nothing really sad happened. And yet, there it is, grinning at me from her chair, pointing her finger at me. I do not know who invited her or why did she come on this particular day, but there she is and I am left with nothing else to do but to make her feel welcome. I know it is not a right thing to do but who are we kidding…I never was the brightest peeble on the beach when it comes to myself.

It all started yesterday, with an innocent wish of connecting my laptop with the main computer and thus enabeling it to be on the web at the same time. I bought 15 meters of cross cable and a network card and I thought that I will only take me half an hour. An hour tops.

First thing that went wrong was that my main computer stopped working and I think that the motherboard is slowly dying. I had to deconstruct it and construct it three times yesterday and in the end I had to sacrifice my graphic card which idles sadly on the table next to the computer so that both of the network cards work. In a way.

Yesterday at around eleven o`clock at night the whole thing stopped working and the computer refused to boot. I gave up and went to bed.

I woke up and there was this huge wave of sadness flooding over me, cause that`s the way she announced her arrival. You wake up and you feel sad. You stare at the phone, wondering who to call, what to say, just wanting to hear somebody`s voice. Since today is saturday and everybody is asleep at six a.m. you end up playing games at your phone, trying not to think about the thing and world in general. Cause thinking in this case leads to the dark side. You try to read books but words mean nothing and you end up re-reading the same page three times before even realising. You get out of bed, wash your face with cold water that stings your face and you look yourself in the mirror. Rims under your eyes, the whole face dropping towards the ground, nicks from shaving still visible…and you feel sad.

You turn on the computer, thinking it will just emit those beeps again and the screen will remain as black as your mind but out of no apparent reason, the thing boots normally. You format the system disk, praying that you kept all your vital data on other partitions and that the only thing lost are going to be the programs…and then you reboot. Again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And with every reboot you feel that everything is pointless, that in six months time you are going to have to do it all over again.

You finally get it up and running again, the programs work and the system is back online…just as it was 24 hours ago, before you decided to install another network card.

You talk to the woman you love and adore, she says she had a great time yesterday with her friends and you are happy for her. She says she and another guy build up a fire and held each other, says he brought her home at five o`clock in the morning and you feel happy and sad. Happy for her, sad for yourself. She says I should probably get some help. I wonder what good that will do and say that nobody is going to believe me. She ask where is all this coming from. You do not know what to say.

She leaves, saying she has to meet with her sister and you call your friend. He says he will get here in an hour and help you and in the mean time you sit behind the computer, listening to Thomas Newman, staring out the window into the blue, blue sky and wonder what the hell am I suppose to do next.

You think of emailing another friend, but end up staring at the blank screen, the words of greeting burn inside your mind.

You feel like crying.

Winamp cues “Soundgarden – Shadow on the sun”.

You are asking yourself what the hell is wrong and you find no real answer. Everything is the same. Nothing changed. Sky is still blue, people are the same… and yet everything is different. You start wondering if you are lying to yourself, if you are bringing yourself and you don`t know. You browse your blogroll, finding out that people are having a) fun b) are busy entertaining a friend c) are wondering about Trump`s wedding d) are overdosed on coffee beans or e) are playing badminton.

Winamp cues “The Green Car Motel – Destino De Abril”.

You wonder where your friend is and you think of calling him but you do not, cause you do not wanna sound pushy and he said he is going to come so there is no point in calling him at all.

You check your websites and you see this…

You feel like crying.

Winamp cues “Soundgarden – Shadow on the sun”. There are 16 songs in the playlist. The last one is titled Requiem.

You call your friend. He says he is on its way.

You publish this post.

You check it and see that the picture is too big and you resize it. And you write on.

You wonder what are you going to do next, thinking and not really thinking at all. You hope that your friend will be able to fix the thing you could not fix and then you could dress in your outdoor clothes and take a walk.

You wonder what the people are going to say when they will read this, you wonder what will they think of you.

Winamp cues “James Newton Howard – Island Limos”

You take off your glasses and rub your eyes. You stand up and walk around a little and then sit back again.

Winamp cues “Miles Davis – Spanish key”

You re-publish this post.