Talking to myself…

22.01.2005Osebno
  • So, what`s wrong with you? You`ve been dragging around like a half-dead cat for the whole day…what`s up?

It`s nothing, don`t worry about it.

  • C`mon…don`t give me that crap, what is it? The network is working, you should feel good, eventhough you did not do anything and you just sat there, watching…that`s what worried you yesterday right?

Well, I guess. I mean, it was kinda sucky, since I thought that everything is going to work on cue and then I spend the whole evening worrying about it and trying to make it work but with no avail.

  • But with no avail? Have you been drinking?

No…sorry.

  • Why are you apologizing?

I don`t know. I guess it`s a reflex thing. You know when you`re little and you are doing all sorts of stuff and people always say to you “Apologize!”. Well, I guess I learned that part pretty good. And I guess I feel guilty for everything that goes wrong.

  • Why?

Well, I don`t know for sure. I guess in my eyes everything that went wrong in my life had something to do with me. And I guess I picked up the pattern from there. I hardly ever blamed others if I was involved. I guess I took and still take everything very personally.

  • And how does that work out for you?

Well, it either works very well or it does not work at all. It works cause it makes me more aware and sensible to things and people around me. And it does not work cause sometimes it`s blocking me and prevents me from doing things.

  • So basically…you`re playing Jesus Christ?

In a way, yes. But please, don`t think I am doing this on purpose. It`s a reflex thing and I am sometimes confused about wheater I should let that reflex manifest itself or just…trample it before it reaches the outside. I guess I am afraid of people seeing too much of me. And it`s not that I am playing anything…that almost means like I am pretending. I am not. And I am not saying that I AM Jesus, I`m just saying that this guilt and this worrying…I feel it as a real thing. Eventhough a part of my brain knows that there`s nothing I can do about it.

  • A part? How many parts are there…total?

Hard to tell actually. But in general, I think three major parts. One that always worries about others and wants to make everybody happy, one that is always trying to warn me and basically keep me isolated from every impulse and one that wants to do new things.

  • I`m guessing the last one of the smallest?

I guess. It`s not a fixed size issue. They change their positions. In general, I think that the part that worries about others is in charge most of the time. The other two are following and offering their advice. The trick is to keep them balanced and then call your own shots.

  • You don`t always do that? Make decisions for yourself?

Hard to say. I guess I am influenced by myself. I feel torn in a way. Not necessarily a bad thing. Just seeing things from several perspectives at once. And that sometimes sucks cause I cannot decide or grade things. Everything looks good and/or bad, depends on the view.

  • No absolutes?

I do seek for them. I want constant things. Not cemented into the ground, I like variations, just as long as they are in the same key. If you know what I mean. It`s like…presents are nice. Does not matter if it`s a book or a cd…as long as there`s a present.

  • You like presents?

I like giving more than receiving. Always did. Love to see people happy. Hate to see people sad. It was just an example.

  • Three words which describe your best?

Patient. Resourceful. Spends way too much time worrying.

  • That`s not three words.

Sorry.

  • Do you often do things your way?

Is there any other way to do them?

  • Well, you could follow an advice. Fulfill an order…that sort of thing.

Yes but in the end, it`s still you who will be doing it. So it is…your way.

  • Nevermind. We still don`t know why are you feeling like shit today.

Neither do I. Maybe I am just worried about things in general. The exam. The Holland visit. The fact that I spent most of the day alone…stuff like that.

  • Why does Holland worry you?

C`mon, put yourself in my shoes. It`s not that I think that it`s going to crash and burn but I just…I want it to work. And it`s my first time so I guess it`s reasonable to be nervous.

  • You`re not sure in yourself?

It`s not that. I want to do it. Eventhough some people think it`s a bad idea, I want to follow the stream. Maybe I am again worried about things I cannot change. Things I cannot influence.

  • You like influencing things?

Tough one. But if there is only “yes” and “no” answer, I`d go with “yes”. I guess it gives me a feeling of safety. Something I know I can count on.

  • Ever let yourself down?

It`s hard to say cause I am not a monolith. I did let parts of me down. Things a part of me knew that are not going to end well and yet, I did it. And failed. And then remembered. Thinking I should`ve listen to myself. A part of myself at least. So I could answer that with a “yes” or with a “no”. Cause I did let a part of myself down…and then again…I did not let myself down as a whole cause there were still two thirds that were happy with the decision at that time.

  • Yes or no?

Yes.

  • What`s your greatest of all fears?

Solitude. Being alone. Not being able to help people. People not liking me.

  • So your worst job would be an office clerk?

Haha. I guess you could say that yes. I guess I want my life to go down as something meaningful. Which is hard since I think little of myself in the first place.

  • Why is that?

I guess I don`t see myself as something special. Things I do are normal. Eventhough they are not perceived as such.

  • So in one hand you value other people`s opinion over yours and at the same time you don`t accept any credits for the things you do?

Something like that. I guess I feel that by showing off I`ll distance myself from them even more. And distance leads into solitude.

  • Some words of wisdom for our readers?

I guess the classic “be yourself, follow your heart”. Oh and…read his blog.

  • Thank you.

(Note: He apologized about his last remark. He said that it felt pushy).