Out (of my mind, to get some coffee)

09.02.2005Osebno

(some details left out because I don`t wanna use names and cause more damage)

I don`t like being made the clown of the party, someone who attracts attention and distracts people from the real issues and problems. I don`t like being made joke of the party without people asking me if it`s ok with me. I don`t like to be caught in the middle and used, like some cheap party trick. I hate it when people are projecting instead of focusing on the issues that bother them.

On the other hand…

I don`t want to hurt people. I don`t want to be the one who breaks the illusion, who cuts their wings and how shows them the mirror. Even if it bleeding obvious to everyone but them. It hurts me.

Three ways to resolve this conflict…

a) confront them and be the bad guy who breaks everything
b) roll with the punches
c) walk away

Let`s analyse, shall we?

Option a) sucks because it`s an absolute. And as much as I feel like screaming sometimes and just start firing my mental gun all over the place, it`s just not the right way to do it. You don`t go from peace to defcon one in a heartbeat. And on the other hand, this heartbeat is taking way too long if you ask me.

Option b) is what I am doing now and it`s slowly killing me. I worry too much and it hurts to be used and to be in the middle, not knowing what to do but smiling and bleeding on the inside. Hoping for the rainy days to end. Waiting for them to see through the illusion. And at the same time, trying to help out and fearing that with trying to help, I`ll actually hurt people.

Option c) is probably the best as it keeps the status quo and saves my mental health. The only downside to it is that people will think I am weird, walking away for no apparent reason, since the whole thing is covered with the veil of a lie. Since nobody will admit to what it lies in plain sight.

Vote for your favourite option now! and I`ll keep you posted as the issue resolves.

My guess…either I`ll lose two friends or I`ll lose one. Or I`ll lose my mind.

The results from the exam are in…*wait for it*…but not for me. I really don`t know what`s the point in letting the results slowly drip out, instead of turning on the water all the way and just publish all the results at once. I wrote an email to the professor. Let`s hope that tomorrow we`ll know more. It`s not so much of fearing failure (god knows I`ve been there many times), it`s just the bother of thinking something went wrong and that is why my results are not being published. I guess we`ll have to wait and see. The usual way.

Thank you for “Describe “The L files” in one word”. Please, do some more. And go vote —>