Why does today feel like monday?

08.07.2005Osebno

Seriously. OK, apart from the storm last night and the cool-to-cold weather this morning which is typical for the stereotype mondays, maybe it`s because I am back at work. And the fact that it`s friday does not help. And I just don`t know what to do with myself.

Funny how people took off at exactly the same date. BeeBee to Ukraine, my sis to France, while the rest of us are stuck in Ljubljana, waiting for something better to happen (right now I am waiting for the clock to move. Faster!).

Maybe I should write something about my trains of thoughts. You see, there`s a whole railway station in my head, with trains coming and going in different directions. Some routes are nice and very scenery and others are…let`s just say not nice. And the funny thing is, every once in a while, there`s no one behind the wheel and trains move all on their own. Ghost trains.

It`s actually quite funny how simple decisions get complicated and overfocused. Let me give you an example. Baya is going to Nova Gorica. She`s the designated driver for her sis and her mom. She asked me if I want to tag along and then said she`ll understand if I said no (seeing how rollerskating is not my favourite pastime). Now, the ordinary train of thought would be something like “since I don`t have anything big planned for today and the weather is crappy anyhow, I might as well go with her and enjoy her company“. Then the ghost trains come charging. Turning the whole thing into something unpleasant. The thing is, I always think of too many things at once, making decision-making sometimes virtually impossible. I always assume too much and take into consideration way too many factors. If I say that I want to go, what will she think of that? And what will I think of the thoughts she is having? If I stay, what will she think of that? And what will I think of the thoughts she is having? There`s not end to it. Once you are in that loop, there is no way out. No normal way that is.

What do I want? You`re joking right? That is one of the hardest questions around. Why? See paragraph above. In order to start listening to myself, one train has to outrun others. So that there is only one thing I am thinking of and that constitutes “my way“.

Decision-making therefor takes up a lot of energy and I prefer it if people are more unambiguous in their expressions of what they want. It`s not that I don`t like making the decisions, but it makes the job a hell of a lot easier.

Sometimes I wish I was a ruthless bastard…