Every once in a while, you stop and go: “Where did time go?”. You sit down and you look back, look way back and then slowly retrace your steps. Travel back in time and remember. Good things, bad things, sad things, happy things. Things that were important and things that were meaningless. Things you worried about and things you let go. In short…you sit down and retrace your life. How did it happen, where did it happen…”the whys” are not important…because you never really know the true and ultimate answer for that one…but in general, it feels good to remember things from time to time. Not to dwell on them, but just…to brush them with the brush of your memory, removing the times of age from them. Dusting them if you will. I was browsing through my box I keep on the top shelf, mostly filled with things of the past, certificates from school, one or two toys, deck of cards, papers, little pieces of rocks from places I visited…and I held each thing in my hand, remembering. “What is this?”, “Where did it come from?” and “What does it mean?”. And I remembered my child years, my teens, all the events that happened and shaped me. I re-ran my first un-edited clip I did for the television, my first article in the school`s newspaper, stared at a group class photo from my first year in school…flipped through my primary school report cards, noticing how math was never really my thing.
Of course, some of the memories exist only in my head, the “real” thing lost forever.
My first poem, first attempt of a novel… and the memories are also slowly fading away. All I remember of my first poem now is that its rhyme sucked and that it was a love poem. And that it was written in seventh grade. I also lost a sea-shell, I guess it got lost somewhere along the way. It was one of those with little holes in it and if you put it against your ear, you could hear the ocean. I listened to my first cd (green day-dookie), I flipped through my first book I got (Stephen King – Misery…I mean real books not those Enid Blyton – The Famous Five series) and I sniffed my first aftershave bottle (Davidoff – Zino). Empty, but you can still scent the fragnance.
This photo is one of the oldest one that I have. That guy is me. I think it was taken after everybody was sure I am going to live and it`s ok to take pictures. There were some complications when I was born (some consequences still visible today) and at one point people already wrote me off. So I guess this is my victory shot. The first of many I might add. And every so often, when I feel sad or down, I look at this photo and smile. Cause I am smiling at myself. And it brings back memories, good and bad, showing me that nothing is impossible. That even in the past I thought that some things were out of my reach or were doomed and yet, it turned out ok. I turned out ok. And it feels good. Life is good.