It`s so funny when it happens. How natural and normal it seems at that precise moment. To die. Wishing for death.
I am not talking about good ole christian “go to heaven/hell” type of death-wish. It`s more of a “When will this crap end??” type of wish. Losing yourself, even for a second, can have dire consequences. Losing the grip on that thin red line that is called the identity.
You walk around, ghost-like, seeking peace and finding only chaos and unrest. Everything seems alien and unsafe, everybody weird. And feeling sick and weak does not help either.
I hope I`ll be able to go out tomorrow. I`ve been inside for two days and it`s not healthy. Walls closing in and all that crap. I long for company. Seeing breathing and talking tissue. So weird, flipping through the phone-book, thinking of who to call and realising that everybody is probably busy doing something better than consoling you. And when you finally manage to call somebody, they are either busy cuddling or busy watching a movie, talking to you at the same time.
I don`t blame them.
The lecture about blogging is written, powerpoint file made. You are all invited of course, if you happen to be in Ljubljana on the 8th of March at seven o`clock in the evening. The more, the merrier. And I promise you`ll laugh. Whether with me or at me remains the question.
I realised why I blog so much. It`s almost like talking to myself. Some people write mails that remain unsent, some people talk to themselves, some people drink and get stoned…I blog. Blogging is not about talking to people…it`s about getting things out. It`s not about the audience, it`s about you. The blogger is the focus. The blog is always silent. Comforting. There`s not stress here. Peace. Oasis in a world of stress, changes, rush. And eventhough I am probably talking to more people than I ever would in person, these lines being read by people all over the globe, I feel alone. At peace.
The word of the day is BLUE.