I am happy to report that we have a live and kicking german dancer here with us today in our studio and he is willing to share with our ferocious readers some of the funny and less funny facts about german dance. I would like to thank mister Gunther for coming to us all the way from Berlin, where he is spending his well-deserved retirement from the very strenuous world of german dance. Good evening, mister Gunther.

G: Ja, guten abend und let me just say that it`s nice to be here again, und I would like to say hallo to everybady out zhere.
L: A pleasure to have you here too, but please, let`s begin with how you got involved in the world of german dance.
G: Ah ja, I remember it like it was yesterday, alzhou it was more dan fifty years ago. Since I am only fourty-four, this comes as a small shock, but let me continue… My vater was ein grosse factory owner und he always wanted us kidz to go into ze artz, so that he und meine mutter would have something to look at while zey eat zeir dinner. Und zo they enrolled me into ze german dance school.
L: Fascinating facts, mister Gunther. Especially the one about you being only fourty-four and yet, you began dancing fifty years ago.
G: Ah ja, ze timez were different then mein junge freunde und that was not surprising. But please…let me continue.
L: By all means…
G: Zo, I was only four when I started dancing und mein vater was absolutely delighted to see me in my dancing outfit which was composed out of a potatoe sack, two pieces of bread und ein large empty sardine can. Or waz it tuna? I cannot really recall, but was I zo know is zhat it stank a mile away und everybady was avoiding me.
L: Oh dear. How did you feel?
G: I felt proud. Until I looked myself in ze mirror. Zhen I felt stupid. But ze moment ze mirror waz gone…I felt proud again.
L: I recon you did not have any mirrors at your house, right?
G: Aber naturlich! How did you guess?
L: [chuckle] So please, mister Gunther, if you may, what are the facts about german dance? Our readers are dying to know…
G: Well, you know, ze first and most important rule is that you have to have a german passport. No austrian would do, you zee, because that`s almost like eating burek in Laibach und calling it a domestic speciality. It just would not zo, you zee. Zhen, you need ze proper attire und you of course, need zo know how to zo it. Har, har, har. Und zhat mein freund, iz very hard to zo.
L: So, can we conclude that the first fact about german dance is that it`s very hard to do?
G: Wirklich.
L: Now now, no name calling in the studio. But please..continue.
G: Well, apart from owning a german passport, you also have to to drink a lot of bela kava.
L: Excuse me?
G: I zont like repeating myzelf.
L: I thought you said bela kava?
G: Wirklich
L: Now now, no name calling and please…what does bela kava have to do with anything?
G: You zee, it iz important for ze german dancer to have just the right amount of werk inside of him. And an ordinary coffee tends to overcharge him, thus disabeling some of the more sophistcated moves. While the bela kava is just perfect!
L: Yes, but why are you calling it bela kava? Can`t you say cafe con latte?
G: Zon`t be ridikuluz, mein freund. Who is ze storyteller? Ich oder du?
L: I apologize. Please continue.
G: Zon`t push me!
L: OK.
G: Ze training lasts several years und in the end, you feel like reborn. Und zhen comez fact number zwei, you must alwayz remember your training and dance at least several hours per tag.
L: Fascinating!
G: Nein mein freund. Fascinating ist pissing in a corner while standing in a round room. Practice is just…practice.
L: And what happened when you finished your training?
G: Well, you go touring. With lots of hot mamas (oder daddies, if you are into that sort of shebang) und you zee the world, meet people, do people (if you are into that sort of shebang) und you are famouz. And zhat iz fact nummer drei, you must always keep in mind where did you leave your shoes.
L: Ah, so you dance bare-foot?
G: Of kors. We are not animalz. Are you writing all this down?
L: Yes, yes…please..do go on.
G: And the most important fact of them all in german dancing is…
L: Yes?
G: Zzzzzzzz
L: Mister Gunther?
G: ZZZzzzzzz
L: MISTER GUNTHER???
G: ZZzzzz *snort* huh, huh?! was? Ruheeeeeee!
L: Ahem. You were telling us about the most important fact of german dancing?
G: I did?
L: Yep. Right before you dozed off.
G: Oh. I don`t remember that.
L: What do you remember?
G: Well, the last thing I remember is that mein Vater telling me to keep this can of tuna close. And that`s it.
L: Oh dear. Well, that`s all for now, we`ll be back with more interesting facts after somebody finds this blog through any other queries than those which include cocks, and I`d like to invite you all to be here next week when we do an interview with the spanking aunt. Ciao!