For all you metal crews out there…


(taken from Thorin)

A princess is captured in a castle guarded by a dragon. The metal crews are called to help. This is what they do…

  • Power metal: The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love with her in an enchanted forest.
  • Thrash metal: The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
  • Heavy metal: The protagonist arrives on a harley davidson bike, kills the dragon, drinks some beers and fucks the princess.
  • Folk metal: The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordeons, violins, flutes and many more instruments, the dragon falls asleep (by all the dancing)… Then all leave… Without the princess
  • Viking metal: The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his migthy axe, cooks and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals the castle and burns all the place before he leaves.
  • Death metal: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
  • Black metal: The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle… Then sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her… Then he impales the unvirgen princess.
  • Gore metal: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in the front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her… Then he fucks the dead body, slashes her belly and eats her guts… Then he fucksthe carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
  • Doom metal: The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks that he never could beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide… The dragon eats his body and the princess as well…(the end of thesad story).
  • Progressive metal: The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes… The dragon kills himself out of boredom… The protagonist arrives to the princess’ bedroom, plays another solo with all the technics and tunes learned in the last year of the conservatory… The princess escapes looking for the heavy metal protagonist.
  • Glam metal: The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs of the guy’s appearance and lets him enter… He then steals the princess’ make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.
  • Grind metal: The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves…
  • Industrial metal: The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
  • NU-Metal: Protagonist arrives in pimpin’ SUV and baggy pants. Dragon sees protagonist’s nose ring and snickers. Protagonist whines about bad childhood where his beloved pet canary died and ever since he has been Broken, Numb, Dead Inside, Thoughtless and not Alive. Dragon gets highly annoyed, and eats the protagonist. Princess thanks Dragon.