The Aristocrats! joke


It`s a joke. Supposedly the oldest joke in the show-business. And it`s never been told in public. Because it is so filthy, so vile, so disgusting that (almost) any comedian who would dare tell it to the people would be booed off the stage and quite possibly killed or hurt by the offended audience.

The intro of a joke is known. The punchline is known. But that is not the point. This is one of the rare jokes where everybody knows the punchline and it takes some talent and sense of humor to appreciate that. Most people do not get it. The usual response is “Huh?” or “Erm…so?”, because the general nature of the joke is to omit the middle and wait for the end. Wait for the blow to come. Here, the blow does not come with the end. It`s like the whole joke is a punch line and the punch line is nothing more than redemption. So that you can start breathing again. Supposedly, some of the comedians were able to make the joke “last” for over an hour.

The whole thing made me think about two of my school-friends in high school, who were always saying or drawing the most remarkable things from the subject of human reproduction organs and human reproduction process in general. I remember once they drew a figure veneris over an entire table, just a whole line of people connecting with each other. This would be the perfect joke for them.

I was thinking about copying something from the “Aristocrats joke” site but then I decided to do my own version of it. If anyone feels overtly offended by my contribution, bear in mind that it`s only a joke. OK? Here we go…

A family walks into a talent agency. It’s a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, “We have a really amazing act. You should represent us.”

The agent says, “Sorry, I don’t represent family acts. They’re a little too cute.”

The mother says, “Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us.”

The agent says, “OK. OK. I’ll take a look.”

The show starts with my son and daughter playing with our dog. The dog is old and he`s missing all of his teeth, so the way we feed him is that he sucks off my son so long till my son cums and ejects his sperm into the dog`s mouth. The daughter is there to suck my son`s balls and his anus so that my son gets a little extra out of this feeding ritual as well. After the dog is fed, my daughter gets down on all fours and licks off the dog`s saliva as the dog fucks her asshole. My wife comes up, singing the collected hits of duo Platin. The second she sees the dynamic trio, she gets down on her knees and starts rubbing her old, wrinkled pussy. My daughter stops sucking his brother and moves over to her mom. She stands in front of her, pissing all over her mother`s face and naked breasts as my son fucks her in the ass. The dog is running around, licking the urine that drips all around and as my son`s cums in his sister`s ass, he crawls underneath them and licks the dripping anus. My wife is now standing up and is dildo fucking her daughter from behind, as my son is fucking my wife in the ass. The dog is humping my son and they all move by the tune of “Mary had a little lamb“. Suddenly my son stops and grabs my mother by the throat, starting to choke her. She turns purple, then blue as her veins burst and her eyes pop out of their sockets. The daughter shrieks and runs away, only to be caught by me. I recently had a tetanus shot and something went wrong since my dick is bloated like a balloon. I grab her, throw her in the air and virtually run her through with my cock. At the end of it, there`s her uterus with a little fetus as she was two months pregnant. I walk over to my wife, still with my bleeding daughter hanging on my cock and she takes her off, eating the fetus. My son licks the blood off and my dog finishes what is left of the uterus. We are all very tired and the last thing I manage to say is “So, I see you all got your lunch. I think I`ll have a burger!” I walk over to the fridge, grab a burger, while my son is feeding off her sister`s carcass and my wife is finishing the uterus, pop a beer on my way and sit down to watch a football game. After the game is over and my daughter finally dies with her stomach penetrated and blood gushing all over the stage, the rest of the family gets up, takes a bow, kicks the dog in the ass, making it topple off the stage and into the band pit, takes another bow and gets off the stage, dragging the body of my daughter behind them, leaving a bloody trail. We all come back one last time to take our last bow.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, “That’s a hell of an act. What do you call it?”

And the father says, “The Aristocrats!”

The documentary about this joke has one hundred super-star comedians tell the joke and the whole affair reaffirms the old credo “It`s not the joke, it`s how you tell it“. It`s about those little details, the stuff that in “ordinary” jokes does not matter because it`s just building up to a finale. Here, the build-up is the joke. And it`s like hearing a completely different joke from (for example) Robin Williams, Bob Saget, George Carlin and others.

The funniest thing (again) is not the joke, nor the interpretations nor the interpretations of interpretations, but the reactions of people. Who simply do not get it. And I know you can always say something is funny and then laugh at the people who do not get it, but here that is not the case. This is a private joke. A joke that tells more about the teller than about the audience who laughs at it. A joke that almost works as a psycho-analysis of the teller. It takes some skills to pull it off. Post your version in the comments 😀